What is Sacral Agenesis & How It Affects me

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melissa divietri art

My biological parents were never in my life-not even on the first day. my biological father had an issue with drinking and my biological mother had an issue with keeping her mind together. Before I was a year old, I was a child of the state of Michigan. Which means that I was in a center for children who needed a program for a different life in the future; one that is safe and without fear.

From doctors offices to court cases— My childhood was lonely, depressing and complicated with mixed emotions on my ‘acceptance of my life’ issues. My family has been supportive of my decisions and brewing into this beautiful person. Even with their support, There were a lot of things that I cannot explain from behind the scenes that I had to endure. I was a different person when I was reflecting on time with myself. And i was a different person when I spoke with myself.

I couldn’t figure out why I looked different than every single person. Why did I get this blessing of a body? What am I supposed to do with this?

I was not the smartest when it came to controlling my mind. I liked substances – i would consume things to relax the mind. Since age 13, I was abusing my body so that I can feel different about what I looked like. My mind went into a state of feeling high from pain killers to hallucinations. I had a consumption that fueled my addition…more than half my life later—- i carefully training my mindset to feel high without drugs— i am clean— over three years as of 2018.

There are many things that Ive never spoken about to a single soul – only my angels know everything. My angels are working very hard to keep me safe. And these moments that I have with myself and experiences that I create…. I keep those little gems hidden only for my Angel eyes.

My mind is constantly filing these experiences by language, culture, location and personality. I have an influence with my disability, people will open up themselves to tell me there deepest secret about an experience they had or a hardship in their life. I know I possess a power with these eyes. when I look at people, I try to see the good in every person that I look at-. I connect with their souls and leave impression that they will remember forever. I help people feel like there is still faith in humanity.

Before I was 15 years old, I was in physical therapy, counseling and every single activity that would happen after school.

In therapy, I learned how my mind works and what emotions that I can control with my brain & physical disability.
‘ why do I look like this?’
‘ why do I feel like this?’
’ what comes after this?’
‘ will i ever walk?’

And physical therapy-I use my mind to push my body every time if that was possible. I wasn’t stopping even when my hands are swelling collapsed. I want for an hour each day during middle school and high school. I went from full body braces in a wheelchair to push Walker and now I am moving with crutches. Every step counts in my life.

During the activities after school, I was the manager for Volleyball-cheerleading-basketball while also studying graphic design part time at the technical school in the city. I don’t think I ever remember a day in my life that I told my body take a rest.

My life reminds me of an hourglass. Every piece of sand is in memory of A page in the book of my life. I’m always watching the hourglass thinking about how much time that I don’t have left. I change my mind from a young age to strive and proceed through every obstacle even though most of them are challenges. I realize that my life is never easy, even the most basic tasks that I need to accomplish during the day are never easy. I realize that if I want to have this lifestyle that I’ve created.. pure freedom.. then I must except that each day will be a challenge but I will learn something from these obstacles to make me a stronger person. There is a bigger purpose for my determination. Even if one person feels differently after they speak to me, that means I accomplished something all of these things that I’m doing—day in and day out.

Most of the time I feel nothing- i’m content with happiness or sadness. But sometimes,I feel everything and my emotions take over and I lose it.

I am in Scorpio which explains a lot of reasoning on why my personality is so strong. But I also grew up in a neighborhood that was not easy to except persons with differences. My roots from my hometown and my feelings of clarity from my childhood-have school took me into this song that I can take on anything and I have no fear.

How is music involved?
I played the clarinet in high school in piano most of my life. I remember a moment during six grade talent show. Embarrassingly, I wanted to perform at the talent show in the gymnasium in front of the entire school. Well during the time, are you school didn’t have any speaker system so nobody could hear me play the keys and everyone was giving me 100% full attention because they thought I didn’t know how to play but really-but you couldn’t hear anything because of the gymnasium. This was the first moment That I realized I will always have attention on me. I fell my first anxiety attack-and since that moment, I still have anxiety attacks. And Zaidi attacks happen when I feel a lot of pressure around me and my body starts to heat up. I begin to lose consciousness of reality and I start to drift away. My anxiety attacks have become a step in the direction of practicing meditation. When I have this attack, I start thinking about deep breathing and meditating my mind.

I’ve always been in love with Music. During university, I was the radio DJ with weekly shows on the campus radio and television. I SSource music online, use Twitter for my posting songs, plugged the system into a broadcasting stream so we could have Mics and video. The name of my show was called DJ Missy DI with a wrap up blog post of the radio show and marketing coverage for upcoming festivals-this passion projects during university led to my first career and Street Team management for festivals.

I was a street team ordinator on the social media channels and promotion for selling tickets. It worked and less hours commuting from University to Detroit and Chicago-four hours minimal on the road each way. Every weekend, I would travel to the city during rain snow or snow-and work in the industry for free to gain experience. The first music festival that I developed a c collaboration was movement in Detroit. I fell in love with me music culture and I started to travel from my favorite artists-meeting industry influencers along the way.

After shaking hands with production crew-I was contracted internally to produce social media recommendations-facilitate strategy for marketing and organize a street team for social media and print distribution.

The more that I traveled for music and I found the more independent and I became to take care of myself and rely on only my truth.

Not to mention- trust

When I am traveling to different countries, I can become any person that I wanted.

I realize that people were interested in speaking to me because they saw all of the challenges that I face physical disability and they were drawn to my energy to get to know me as a person. I would secretly only tell the person what they wanted to hear, and what I wanted them to know. Very specific on my conversation and the words that I use when I’m speaking with people. This is why I feel that I Have a strong emotional intelligence.

This is what leads to my multiple personalities, which is why am adaptable to change emotions faster than I change my hair. I adapt to the culture that surrounds me and so I plug myself into my environment.

I lost count of how many countries that I travel to but nothing has ever been easy. When I’m traveling at the airport-I have to ask for extra assistance and undergarments for screenings because of my medical supplies. When I arrive in a country, I’m not sure if they’re going to have accessible entrance and I’m wearing/tearing my body until there’s nothing left. When I try to make friends, I keep one arms reach because I grew up in a very forceful community that sticks to routine. I was always the black sheep or the 1% of the community because I wanted more. I have been taking risks my entire life pushing my body and my mind-and sometimes I feel like I’m living in my own world because nobody would truly understand the things I have to do from the moment I open my eyes until I put the covers over myself at night.

I’m going to take you through a lot on my chair and maybe there’s something in here that will trigger your mind to do something for yourself. But I would not have started this blog post if I wasn’t triggered by something last week. I went to see a friend that I like at the club and I danced longer than I wanted. Because I was having the most fun time in my life so there’s no issue there. While I was leaving the club, there was a girl sitting outside crying. I sat with her for an hour speaking in Spanglish about what was wrong-and it turned out that she found her boyfriend cheating on her. And she found out in the worst way possible-so I feel for her. I started to make her laugh because I was talking about my last relationship. I spoke to her about this person and I really cared for and would fly him around the world with me. And we had a trip planned from Barcelona to Colombia. On the day of the flight, he was nowhere to be found or reached. He didn’t get on the airplane or bothered to tell me that he wasn’t coming. For over an entire day, there was no communication. I think that was the first time I felt my heartbreak in years. As I spoke to her about this, she told me that she was a very depressed person. And the reason why she was with her friend that night was because he is also very depressed and they both take pills for their depression. I don’t remember the name of the pill that she takes but it sounded familiar for those that have a hard time being happy and there’s a lot of problems that they have in their personal lives. When she told me that she was depressed-I looked at her for 5 minutes thinking… she had all of the things – sweet smile, nice close in good taste in music because she was at this night club.

Her conversation took me back to when I was 13 years old taking pills to feel high and happy. If I didn’t meet this gal, I would not have been prompted or triggered to start writing again about my life. But after I sat with her for an hour, I changed her entire life around. We spoke about her problems and what her next steps are. I know that God puts me in the right place at the right time. I know that this little gem that I’m being pulled into each day so I can have a lifestyle that is full of experiences. My life is full.

So I bring you onto this journey with me. I am opening up to you because it looks like I have my world fit together so beautifully; missing half of the puzzle pieces to keep me stable.

We all have our own obstacles space it’s up to each other to persevere through the problems and face them head on.