Funny how I continue to carry the weight on the shoulders; even after I loosen up my grip – I still have all the chat in my ear like – “tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk”
I almost MUST require a second name to do business as an alias; you know? Like someone that isn’t me “publicly” but I can still talk however I want (anonymously) without having to face the consequences but still doing my job as a missionary. Being your guide as diva with a disability.
-A name change? so I can protect my business & personal life obviously – especially my relationship status; when every future boyfriend jumps ship because im a search engine result LOL. I am finally understanding what it is like to mix the two lifestyles (business and my personal); muddy the waters as we would say when paths are crossing to make something dirty.
This decision of split names; only recently came after my return to America. My return to the U-S-A after living abroad for so long. It’s like my age group is so upset about how their lives are turning out – being in debt; working that same 9-5- and I’m jet setter; losing money, earning money, making friendships, taking life by the horns.. maybe its not the best of my abilities and I hit that depression point – but one thing I wont understand, is those who don’t believe. Like you have to stay in the same box that you were put in.. as a child, you have your own opinion – you can be who you want. Dont be a quitter; be what you want someday but quit dragging your feet and pulling people down. Do ya’ll remember when we supported each other? Working for each other, volunteering our time… this is all facts. My crew is so tight; so close – it’s almost too much. You know.
I’ll admit- I didn’t think I would ever get this successful, but check me out – here I am. Im broke as a joke, depressed from it lately – and yet; handling my business — I can’t control what the f is going on around me.. I can only balance the energy as it arrives towards me; maybe ill pretend not to recognize and act like I’m a ghost or just go Detroit white gurl crazy on ya’ll with the mouth. I flip a switch quick. because of where I live – my environment;
And I have to pay the price; take my sacrifices to be this successful person with a mindset that continues to run.. continues to see 10 steps ahead.. continue to be the best version of me. I am planning some epic venues for myself; so yes – taking a step down from everything else that I want to do – to afford that one thing that I really want; without going under. Whether thats not going out dancing for a month so I can have the best birthday of my life this year.. whether that’s investing everything – my name / title / status // business / friendships.. dont underrate my capabilities; it only takes one click and a message will be blasted on social media. that is how easy I have the control to do whatever I feel like – super hero status.. I can zip anyone up – very easily; I just choose to hold my social media powers as a tool for helping others; not hurting. SO unless you are helping me make money – or contributing value; there’s no relations. There’s nothing; just boredom – that’s all.
I’ve been shaken enough this year.. from experiences in Colombia to the damn D. So I constantly ask myself “did I need that wake up call in June??” “did I need to be forced alive after a car accident that I almost caused to destroy 10 car lengths of people.”.
Feelings that shook me in my sleep; put me in a depression state for weeks and woke me up at the same damn time.. put me in a realization that missionary life is what I have to do now. And you cant say that you have the same status from God; you don’t get to say that. So, stop thinking that you are what I am lol because we dont have the same wave length – just leave it. God’s Plan is different for everyone; but when you listen – you will know when you’re called. My job isnt over yet; that’s why.. My job was to remind me to hurry the F up.. to get in motion gurl.. get out of debt, start touring, host best parties even if its once a month with my favorite artist – and I dont break even. that’s alright.. I did what I wanted
Love me because of my ego? yep, you usually do..
I’m still manifesting that my ex/ex is going to come back into my world. My last fling, from Chicago, was gone quicker than it started; the reason that i reference ryan from the chi – is because i read his messages from facebook in the video below; we arent friends on social media; we cant be. ryan cut like a wound but didnt leave a scar like my lover; jimmy did. He was a gem in my life during the time when we had our moments.
He isnt well now; going thru a relapse which is killing me slowly. But I hope when he gets to step 4 of treatment; he will make that call to me. I am manifesting him; thinking about how to get his ass back into my life; what I could do – to do that. How to make the time go faster… what does it take? What do I have to risk to have it all again?I am bringing a Tech House producer from Brazil; from his music recommendation back in May, to the city of Detroit. A call out to have his arrival on this date. I started our creative project Detroit Disco; something that was only an idea but then became reality. I made an apparel line on Shopify & Etsy and launched a radio show in techno music for international artists. I did all of these things in the last 90 days because “he knew I was capable;” traveling to shows with me — holding his addiction inside just to make me happy – because he was a body – for me- next to me. You always want what you cant have; but when you believe in manifestations – maybe one day.
Now I am filling the void with online / offline relations – aka boy toys.. Trying to make sense of how he could just leave like this when I was the truest from the beginning. But I dont know what its like to be addicted to something serious like that; something that fast – that feeling; that mental state of needing that shit in your blood stream. I can speed up to 100 mph with my work; but that’s natural.
It really does take everything inside of me – to not call him. not try to connect with him; especially when I could just pick up the phone and he would be on the line – my sweet p. I would give it all up – Id stop the agency / gig life if he wanted me to support him to get sober. I would be sober too. Sometimes I think about – how I could have done it all differently.. how could i have controlled fan club online more; if I would have just separated that work / personal life. he was perfect. in the end, he still is – which is why im manifesting him back into my world. When I reach that peak; he will be there – he will be on step 4. Connecting with those that you hurt- that is Step 4.
Why do I want to go backwards to an ex? Because love dont cost a thing.. and the world literally stopped when his energy was next to me. All facts.
Cant be my superman, because he’s the one.. da una, as we say in Medellin. I stayed in the States – for him. I put all my things into storage, closed the art gallery, left my family in South America; moved to Detroit, extended my car lease, chasing him down in Ann Arbor lol.. yep, fucking up for the right reasons. Time heals everything, patience is a virtue; my parents taught me those values. So too much game? Maybe – I’ll let him come back when our time has aligned again.