But mental health problems run in my genes… it is a mindset. I am literally becoming a person that I’ve never known before. Silently,  I am crying inside. I am hating myself for being this way.. Which way?

I went to the grocery store in San Salvador, El Salvador.. two homeless dogs approached me… you already know. Since I’m an advocate, donor and sponsor for Detroit dog rescue; my heart is already full for them. These two homeless dogs came right up to my door as I opened it.. so happy.. so so so smiley. One dog, broken leg — looked so thirsty. I did nothing. I left him / her stare at me as I walked by the entrance, my heart hurt.

I became that asshole that does nothing.

I became that person that watches the situation happen but stares.

What is happening to me? I cannot stop crying because this is not the Melissa that I know… the Melissa that I know.. sits on the side of 7 mile with a pitbull clinging to my chest.. clinging in fear for help and I would lay there.. emotional to save them.

I am — a totally different person now.. I hate myself for not stopping … for not getting water… for not getting food, two dogs are homeless without food and I could have fed them for less than $2 USD.

Please, please, please.. take me back to my morals and ethics that I once had in Detroit.. take me back to my roots when I was a boss bitch running around the slums taking dogs away from dog fighters and drug loads. I was respected. I was a savior.

Detroit would be dishonored

I would pound on doors in Southwest Detroit demanding the dogs.. I would walk the streets looking for strays that were in dog fights.. Now… look at me.

I am a coward, now. I let it go. I am so pissed.. I can’t stop thinking about what an asshole I was today.. the dog had a broken leg… he / she came right up to me when I opened the door. I did nothing. I’m furious

idk what to say anymore.. other than I need to do better. I need to be a better person. Be that girl that hustled the way to the top. Left my entire life to be here.. I left everyone, everything.. I had a good life.. a good boyfriend.. an amazing family. I left my entire world in Detroit.

This is about me

I built this empire.. I should enjoy it. I travel the world while working remotely.. what a job! I can pull resources together; I can do this shit in my sleep. It’s natural to me.

I don’t care if I offend you; I am not here to make you happy… I am here to fulfill my need and desire.. even if I live $1 to $1 — which in most cases; is everyone that I have met out here.

I was too comfortable…

Will I ever be happy??

Can anyone keep up me?

I have no idea. I’m just doing me.

… if I continue blogging tonight, I will probably say something that I will regret.

Good night xx