Running the streets is getting me into trouble; way .. way .. way beyond what I thought Id be stuck in. Nothing legally (thank goodness) just everything in between, apparently. I’m a lil touchy on what to actually express in writing here; but life is forcing me into a new wave that will actually WAKE me up this time. I’ve been coasting so much lately – its just what I am becoming normalized too. My environment makes it easy to fall into a state of floating.. like on cloud 9 or beyond. I am only doing the bare minimal; which I know isnt true; but with recent matters – it feels true.

what is really going on in my head?

Everything.. basically more than I can bit off. Family, Work Life, Life, Balance, Friendships, Music, Art, Disability, Responsibilities; but I wouldnt have this lifestyle any other way. I need to feel like I am standing on the edge of something – just looking down.. and waiting desperately for the next move. Now that I’m a year older; I think TOO much. I am thinking too much about friendships, relationships, – online dating has been a disaster; lol the list continues.

I just cant help myself to get out of the city life / bright life – let;s do the damn thing commotion; the fast life – this energy and rush of adrenaline will suck you in like a black hole. The feeling is an addiction to keep asking for more; and then when that times come . – overdose. I am high on life; I am high on energy; I am high on motivation; but the bus stops there because I have been making some terrible decisions lately – and it’s affecting how the world spins around me?

am i asking for trouble

no, just caught up really. Ive been caught up in online dates that have disrespect about my looks. I am caught up in the system taking away my disability insurance (again) because the readiness report doesnt fit their standards.. I am fed up with the culture and their waves of feeling the need to do drugs every weekend. I didnt sign up for that – I didnt sign up to be a person that fuels your high. My last lover was a heroine addict; and the very last thing that I would ever promote are parties that encourage that. I’ve never been so lost before; and Im starting to realize that it is not just me. hell to the no – my entire generation is starting to become numb to the things that are happening in our government.. becoming numb to responsibilities and having more debt that we’ve ever imagined so most of us live paycheck to paycheck.

this is it.. it has to be

Time for a change; a change is needed and is coming – something sooner than later would be preferred of course but I cant rush the process. I have to take what I forced into my life; and own that responsibility. I have to own what has happened and dig myself out of this emotional state of disaster.

Tomorrow, I have another doctors appointment to get the disability readiness review out of the way so the most important priority can be handled from start to finish.

Then we tackle the other adulting items; those will be the ones that make me stronger; I can feel it LOL

the feels

Im hooked now; Im hooked like a fish that cant be released ; just flopping around waiting for my last breathe or air.. and desperately seeking water to be free again.

the music scene has sucked me in – this culture is thrilling & beyond global opportunities but I am standing above all and thinking – what am i really doing? not as a performer; but most definitely as a manager and facilitator to create events that make feelings and memories for people. These experiments are concepts; something that has never been designed before. When I tell you that I’m over my head; I am saying to you – loudly. I AM over my head – there’s no doubt for that.

I screwed up so bad last week; I was supposed to stay in Jackson until Sunday for the holidays – and my antsy butt tried to take the train on Thanksgiving – but it was a two hour delay and then Uber was a $100.00 commute. Attempting to force myself back to my home; and everything blew up in my face shortly after.

I have a laundry list of things that I need to organize to keep myself level minded and my head on the right track; and the first priority is sobriety. I never knew that I had a problem until shit hit the fan. I wish that I could tell you more; but I am lucky to be alive; and I am lucky to realize there is an issue so that I can make use of it to eliminate that environment from my surroundings.

—

When I lived in Bali, it was easy to stay sober because the entire country practices prayer – and inner beauty where your soul extends. The alcohol was expensive and no-good on the island because it wasn’t the motive to go to Indonesia. I was able to stay fresh / clear minded – focus more; I improved my production in work responsibilities and maintained a priority list to execute for my business.

—

When I lived in Medellin, it was more difficult because alcohol was 1/3 of the original price that you pay in America. It was easy to make arrangements for party because you are surrounded by Raggaeton and dance.

Nov 30 – a day to remember

time to get back to miss beauty queen please