Not Just The Volcano Is Erupting

0
758
mount agung

photo credit – Sean Nino

damn girl.. that is all I can say…. is damn girl, run it.. run until you cant feel your legs… and you have to crawl. (but Ive been there, literally). It wasnt just the volcano going off… my whole world was fucked for a min. But I am the master of a bounce back.

Bali Will Give You Signs

– Lights flickering when something is about to happen
– NUmbers that might be your favorite.. will suddenly appear
– Maybe you were to travel somewhere and the rain kept you in
.. theres a lot of things that could happen but you have to be aware of your surroundings.

I tell myself..Get it together, girlfriend — but for who?

I really cant express how I keep all the emotion inside — all the energy is constantly gravitating towards me.. I have to combat it== be cute & shit. God is testing me.. churning me into a leader that can combat xxxx amount of profiles coming at me (online and offline). Individuals with their “feedback” — whatever, the only feedback that matters is yourself.

You know when it’s getting real when you have 7 different issues right in front of you on the same day.. which is a normal working day (or what I like to call it); Having bullshit come at me.. you think I would be tired. I am starting to understand how super successful people do it.. YOu just do it. Be at peace – this is your life, do you fucking want it? Ok, stop bitching and do it. Be quiet and handle whatever it is.. unpaid bills, flat tire, credit card stops working, cant get internet – seriously its all ridiculous. Dont be complicated and face it.

I dont need Iowaska (?) or any drug like supplements to show me what my mind is saying… to put that shit in front of my face. Fuck, I am already there… I am the 1% of successful individuals that see, think & feel different than most. It happens to intuitive people, we are never satisfied (even when life is good).

I had a heavy moment during my “moment of bullshit” — Less than 48 hours from departing my home in gorgeous Bali… my entire life was fucking ripped from my heart… ground crumbling below me.

I let myself become vulnerable..

Not by choice, by force. Many of my closest friends that I met in Bali.. they are world-like.. I have a balance of friends from different parts of the world.. from Australia, UK, America, South Africa have all confirmed that I have this wall that I am standing behind. In many ways, they are absolutely correct…

I am behind many walls..it hurts to even talk about it… but here we go:

> I am behind my computer screen.. checking on business status for clients, outreach for our next thing, checking on the agency or designing the next strategy for client trying to do – right” by being available.

> I am behind my cell phone – using automation to respond to brand profiles that drives instant gratification. I used to have two cell phones – which Im sure would blow your mind but I was actually very good at the balance. (If you saw me today, you would know.. when I am with you (in person for dinner or a coconut) my cell phone isnt even on the table. Ive come a long way from criticism to stay off the phone and I do.. I dont even look at when Im with anyone.. friends, family.. I actually apologize when it goes off so I leave that bitch turned over in my purse. I am with YOU — and that is important to me.

> I am behind this front that I have to always be a good leader, when sometimes I just need a nap… I need to turn it down. I cant always be on the ball — I have emotions too. Every leader needs balance.

> I am behind this montage that I am this boss lady with opportunities flooding to me..all the fucking time, right? When really I am drained by all the bullshit that comes in my inbox (I wanna work with you blah bla but I cant afford you, like seriously, how do you know how must I cost?) Value to me.. is completely defined as how much worth your business is.. and how much my knowledge I keep in this head. You already stop impressing me with that pity bullshit.. outreach – but do it right. Give them a . 15 sec pitch that they will feel is worthy.

> I am behind “who the fuck” that I can trust these days – which is simple, less than the number of fingers on your hand. The more popular or successful you become, the less you talk about yourself and the less you tell to people.

I hardly let anyone into my world because they are undeserving (#1) and two — they would never be able to relate the most fucked up situations that Ive put myself in.. yet I still want to keep going on with life and think the world is a good place (rolls eyes). I breathe… I breathe… and let it out. You cant even… walk in my shoes for a day and still want to live.

Ive realized that I am one — One Unit

Solo Dolo
Boss Bitch
Boss Lady
Queen B
Ive heard it all.. act like this is a NEW thing to have a female in your life that runs its the way that I do — fuck off. Ive always had this mentality as a crazy person. There is never a dull moment in my life.. every hour has something happening (online / offline) whatever. or wherver I am in this world..SOmetimes I wish I was still in the trap house life hustling to make $1 — I was a female on her grind, the biggest bitch. Now I am just aware of what is always happening and I spin it . so you feel fucked later. Yes, I literally mind fuck people — for fun..

I dont even know why I am telling you..

You cannot break me.. and it kills you. This hard, tough skin.. fucking thick skin — or street smarts that we call in Detroit.. cannot break me down. It will take an active volcano with earthquakes (literally) to get me in a crazy feeling.

I have such fucked up shit that happened to me.. my entire life..

My Entire Life Has Been FUcked

and I dont even talk about it. I share my stories with people that I trust (or thought I did). I only tell my closest, closest souls how things happen on my day-to-day. I cant just share with everyone how I am feeling.. it’s not normal. I have some real – heavy things happened to me.

I tell these people because I love them.. I care about them. I feel that they get it.. or they;ve been there (maybe in a past life). I open myself up with the heaviest shit..because I want them in my world. I chose them, they didn’t chose me.

What is next?

God is creating this beautiful soul out of me.. someone that I never thought would be existant. People look up to me.. they admire to be my friend — I inspire and motivate them. It is a lot of work to always be happy. it is a lot of work for me to make other people happy. And lately, Ive been putting all my eggs in one basket to make my closest circle happy.

So what happened? Why Am I Tripping?

– My social media agency is being so called profiled because I hire people from different countries (because they are damn good & want this lifestyle.. sorry for being smart at qualifying people).

Random ass people are cutting me down because I have inspiring engagement and they think everything is fake… Tell me that my followers are fake. Say that to my face.. or go fuck yourself. Seriously, where I come from — you have an issue.. you are direct. You say how you feel and you mean what you say.

Which again, puts me in the 1%.. where I know that I am better than you (not in a bitchy way) – but because I know I can handle hardships as they come.. and not let it take my entire day, or life out of control. I have the most incredible followers that find me.. they have disabilities, normal people or so called — entrepreneurs, people who want to travel, individuals who just need hope.. I am good with all of them.. I run all of it. I answer and respond with personality and character.

— You can try to bring me down.. but bitch please— who hasnt in my life. Ive been tormented, harassesed, drugged, raped, fucked with — all because I am me. I am a person of unique variety, a disability, good soul, lone wolf, crazy bitch — whatever, Im that chick that you’ve never met and it kills you.

Have I once given you the perception that I dont do things w intention of other people’s feelings – body language, soul, smiles, happiness…I do everything with purpose.. I wake up every morning with intention! I have goals in mind — I think about shit in advance .. I am thinking of 100 different things (which is why I am an abstract artist) all that heavy shit can be pushed on a canvas in a beautiful way that no one will understand but me.

But real talk..

– my closest friend in Bali laid on some real talk about “my real intentions” on how I handle my day to day.. How I have been doing me.. which I thought was real.. that everything I did was with purpose. But in actuality, I needed to hear it.

I was on a different planet compared to what everyone else was seeing. I might be the most successful individual around me but doesnt mean that I am the right person each time.

He made some valid points about my outgoing personality — too much control but other shit was too emotional and really didnt need to be brought to light… I think it was said because in my mind, I needed to hear it. I am the type of individual that needs to hear it “full on” or I wont believe anything is wrong.

And that is a flaw of mine.. when people say to me -= what should you work on? I should work on “seeing signs and reading people” better. Because what I see.. in front of me.. might be something completely different to you… your mind.

I feel things when Im with people. I look them directly in their eye.. like its the last time I may ever see you. I do that on purpose. I want that person to trust me immediately… I want them to share something personal with me (so we can connect). I could write a book on what people tell me.. from traveling. People will pour their hearts and souls into conversation. They trust me.

I want them to remember me for the rest of their life.

People look at me (all the fucking time).. and think “who is she” “why does she have those crutches” “was she is an accident” “why is she so happy.” Those are the most common things that people will say to me – when they first me. Traveling has become my lifestyle to constantly inspire and show to other cultures.. we are all human, baby. We have the same problems, many worse than others — but it takes years of practice and things happening to you..to understand your purpose. My purpose is simple, to just do me… which I thought I had a handle of.

When I asked my mom, “why do they look at me different,” == she replied “because you are beautiful.” — you did that mom, you raised me on confidence and now– I use it every single day to give back to people.. with a question, hug or smile. Im that female

However, my closest friend taught me something simple about my values.. he brought me back to life, back to earth. He took me back to where I was 7 years ago when I wouldnt let anyone into my life. When I made people beg and reach to the highest limits just to be next to me.

He put me so low that it brought me so high. I let the wall come down.. to only build it stronger than ever. It hurt – what he said, I had a short moment. But ya know.. I never ask for anything in my life. It felt good to cry… I felt peace for being human and having feelings. But I dont want to feel like that every again, not by someone who I tell my life secrets too.

The timing was terrible but perfect — I am in route to holiday with family in America — speaking for a conference // visiting Cuba for New Year and back to Medellin. What do I really have to be upset about?

I have a beautiful life– everything that I built.. with my own two hands and these eye lashes. It will take a very strong individual to keep up with me. My heart might be broken, this wall may be miles high but you know what — I’ve got Detroit Soul. I am a one of a kind female that you cant fuck with — there is no way to win, unless you are already in my circle.

Let me redefine this for you — when you feel like you need a 180 … let these moments (like mine above) break you down so hard.. let these memories burn because it will make you smarter & wiser about everything. You will rethink and reevaluate all the people in your life (which is what I needed).

I was broken.. but only for a couple hours. I woke up the next morning and I prayed to God for an hour.. I called my parents in America — my mother immediately knew something was up – she said that she could see in my face. I was like wow I need a 180… I reached out to a friend for an adventure that I will never forget <3 he changed my entire life. The moment was like a movie...

Volcano Goes Boom

I live in Bali, Indonesia.. Yes — an active volcano just happened to pop off — Mount Agung — we’ve been aware of it for months. But clearly, after reading all of this.. it wasnt the only thing going off in my life.

If you really want to see the photos / videos from the volcano, I went with this beautiful soul (for his birthday) to Mount Agung. It was the most memorable journey that I’ve ever had in Bali. Thanks for that, L — x <3 check out this life changing adventure

LEAVE A REPLY