If you ask me, bby – Im ready

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melissa divietri

Some things you might need to catch up on.. about myself. Ive neglected my blog because I wouldnt express my feelings online – they were dark, heavy and scary.

The last 30 days were a huge game-changer for me; I’ve left my partner – mutually… I started an agency position with a new company. I’m inspired to use the quarantine time for planning stages; taking down whatever obstacles may come towards me.

Life has certainly give me — curve balls.

But; If you ask me, baby… Iā€™m ready.. Born ready. Thereā€™s a lot of moving parts happening in the world. Feels as if thereā€™s even more moving puzzle pieces in my life. Thereā€™s no obstacles that I cannot overcome, my angels are here 24/7 holding me. Godā€™s Plan.

Iā€™ve been ā€œhealthyā€ for more four years; out of hospital taking care of my day to day without depending on medical attention- this change happened because I moved to Indonesia way back when and became holistic. I became hollistic ā€˜cold-turkey.ā€™ Donā€™t know what holistic means? Cold Turkey? itā€™s when you cleanse your body of all of the bad thingsā€” medication, drugs. Cold turkey is when you stop completely, no more! Done! But shitĀ 

Mistakenly, when I move back to the States during the pandemic, I got lost in the sauce of the wrong crowd during quarantine. I was trying to wedge myself into a group of friends that were not like me at all. Now thatā€™s ALL catching up to me, because Iā€™ve been in the hospital visiting specialists every week for the last 30 days; when the abuse to my body stopped. thereā€™s not a lot of information I can tell you, because even the doctors are ā€˜unsureā€™ of whatā€™s happening. And with my disease, itā€™s like a tropical storm waiting for it to hit level five and take out everything in its path.

ā€œThereā€™s not enough data points for us to determine what you have going on”

And this is coming from the elite, the very best of my specialists.. scary when thereā€™s no response? Im not stressed (yet). I visit with my favorite doctor in two weeks, heā€™s been there almost my entire life. if anyone has the answers, itā€™s him. Dr Park has reconstructed my internals Almost half a dozen timesā€” ace, motrifinoff, appendix, bladder, stomach.. i am alive because of him. I am alive because of his research and diligence to care for me.Ā 

I have an extreme condition called sacral agenesis; since birth. Iā€™m growing more weak + sick because I was putting substances in my body during my last relationship to ā€˜copeā€™ with his feelings.

Now, im regretting these mistakes while I need to see variety of doctors at Domino Farms, they are specialized surgeons & top notch folks… i mean ā€˜supreme!ā€™ Even though I havenā€™t had health insurance since last November, maybe even longer because Iā€™ve been living abroad in Colombia. Iā€™m still going through with my appointments, despite my kick back later when invoices arrive.

I think the whole health system in America is absolutely fucked up and Iā€™ll never win ā€”- this is been an ongoing battle since I turned 18. I choose not to be defeated.. iā€™m upset with myself for resorting to stupid shit during quarantine.

I am even more angry that this happened to me. This happened to me because I loved someone so unconditionally that I was willing to damage myself for those feelings. Now I have to deal… and dealing with hospital life during quarantine;; i feel for anyone whose going thru it. Its scary as fuck; but bby im readyyy #prayforme

im not stressed because I have faith.. i have support, love, family and friends who care about my lil ass. And even though it doesnā€™t make sense to have a partner right now, I need to do this journey alone.

I need to deal with what is happening to my body because this is a story meant for you. I hear voices in my head; i’m strong for you. Gratitude