If you ask me, bby – Im ready

Some things you might need to catch up on.. about myself. Ive neglected my blog because I wouldnt express my feelings online – they were dark, heavy and scary.

The last 30 days were a huge game-changer for me; I’ve left my partner – mutually… I started an agency position with a new company. I’m inspired to use the quarantine time for planning stages; taking down whatever obstacles may come towards me.

Life has certainly give me — curve balls.

But; If you ask me, baby… I’m ready.. Born ready. There’s a lot of moving parts happening in the world. Feels as if there’s even more moving puzzle pieces in my life. There’s no obstacles that I cannot overcome, my angels are here 24/7 holding me. God’s Plan.

I’ve been “healthy” for more four years; out of hospital taking care of my day to day without depending on medical attention- this change happened because I moved to Indonesia way back when and became holistic. I became hollistic ‘cold-turkey.’ Don’t know what holistic means? Cold Turkey? it’s when you cleanse your body of all of the bad things— medication, drugs. Cold turkey is when you stop completely, no more! Done! But shit 

Mistakenly, when I move back to the States during the pandemic, I got lost in the sauce of the wrong crowd during quarantine. I was trying to wedge myself into a group of friends that were not like me at all. Now that’s ALL catching up to me, because I’ve been in the hospital visiting specialists every week for the last 30 days; when the abuse to my body stopped. there’s not a lot of information I can tell you, because even the doctors are ‘unsure’ of what’s happening. And with my disease, it’s like a tropical storm waiting for it to hit level five and take out everything in its path.

“There’s not enough data points for us to determine what you have going on”

And this is coming from the elite, the very best of my specialists.. scary when there’s no response? Im not stressed (yet). I visit with my favorite doctor in two weeks, he’s been there almost my entire life. if anyone has the answers, it’s him. Dr Park has reconstructed my internals Almost half a dozen times— ace, motrifinoff, appendix, bladder, stomach.. i am alive because of him. I am alive because of his research and diligence to care for me. 

I have an extreme condition called sacral agenesis; since birth. I’m growing more weak + sick because I was putting substances in my body during my last relationship to ‘cope’ with his feelings.

Now, im regretting these mistakes while I need to see variety of doctors at Domino Farms, they are specialized surgeons & top notch folks… i mean ‘supreme!’ Even though I haven’t had health insurance since last November, maybe even longer because I’ve been living abroad in Colombia. I’m still going through with my appointments, despite my kick back later when invoices arrive.

I think the whole health system in America is absolutely fucked up and I’ll never win —- this is been an ongoing battle since I turned 18. I choose not to be defeated.. i’m upset with myself for resorting to stupid shit during quarantine.

I am even more angry that this happened to me. This happened to me because I loved someone so unconditionally that I was willing to damage myself for those feelings. Now I have to deal… and dealing with hospital life during quarantine;; i feel for anyone whose going thru it. Its scary as fuck; but bby im readyyy #prayforme

im not stressed because I have faith.. i have support, love, family and friends who care about my lil ass. And even though it doesn’t make sense to have a partner right now, I need to do this journey alone.

I need to deal with what is happening to my body because this is a story meant for you. I hear voices in my head; i’m strong for you. Gratitude