Today felt like the actual first day of winter because we had snow on the ground and freezing temperatures. I was holding my breath that winter was going to forget about coming to Michigan this year… I knew it was too good to be true.
My day consisted of back to back doctor’s appointments in Ann Arbor so I could get everything done in one pass. As I woke up, I was nervous about the powder snow on the ground because I knew it would be icy; which means – extra difficultly to move around. The last time that I drove in snow was during the 12 inch snow fall in November which led my car in a medium over a tree. I have been so anxious to drive – ever since that moment when God held my car as I flew 70 MPH in the medium avoiding semi’s and cars flying pass me.
I left extra early this morning to get to Ann Arbor because the 50 minute drive to the hospital from home could easily turn double time. As I started the car, I could feel my hands grip the steering wheel as I accelerated to keep up with the cars on the road. I was nervous – sweating so bad that I had to crack the window.. in 14 degree temperatures. I am the type of person who wants to have an “out” – which means if I do slide, I want to be able to take my car and get off the road as soon as I possible. I don’t want to be stuck in between cars as I know there is black ice on the highway. I took my time driving to Ann Arbor — I held onto my hand control the entire time. My controls are installed under neat the steering wheel so I can independently drive. The handles are connected to long poles that go down to the brake and gas pedals. I usually drive with the cruise control on but I needed to have full control because my anxiety was so high. There were many times that I wanted to turn my car around because I was so scared to drive.
After what felt that an eternity car ride, I finally arrived in Ann Arbor parked my car and headed into the hospital. I had three appointments today at University of Michigan — Two appointments were at the main hospital and the other was across town in the Eisenhower building for Physical Medicine & Rehab.
My first appointment was with my gynecologist to check my female features out. As embarrassing as this may be to talk about; you think that having to see your gyno is bad — how about not being able to even have the procedure completed because my body doesn’t work like other females. I’m still having major difficulties spreading my legs open – there is absolutely no way that I can physically open my legs on my very own. My legs just clam right back shut. My disability limits movement in my lower body – my hips, legs, toes, feet and so on. I don’t have all of the right feelings that a typical person so I have to get extra assistance.. I’m assuming that my legs do this because I hop with my legs closed when I walk… so there really isnt any time of the day when I am stretching my legs to open. It was so painful — the doctors couldn’t pry them open so I wasn’t able to go through with the appointment. It is such a severe issue when I cannot get these types of issues for a check up. How do I know if something is going on..? We rescheduled for three months so I hope that my physical therapy will help with the flexibility of my body- fingers crossed. So I wasn’t able to get checked up for this appointment so I had to move on to the next one.
My next appointment was with my favorite doctor, Dr. Park – my urologist. He sings music to my ears when he gives me solutions to my issues. My bladder has been having difficulty holding more than 1 1/2 to 2 hours without having to cath. We decided to try an antibiotic, Ditropan to see the medication will help the hold. Also, I am going to irrigate 240 CC of Tap Water in my bladder each day.. to also see if that will make a difference in how much it will last without having to use the bathroom. I am seriously over having to run to the bathroom every 2 hours.. it is seriously embarrassing and sometimes I’m worried if I won’t make it. I just went to get better and I work at my body every day to get one step closer.
I’m halfway through the day and this isn’t the longest I have to come….my biggest appointment was next. I trucked across Ann Arbor to the Physical Medicine & Rehab building. I waited for awhile before being called back to the examination room. I laid on the bed as I knew what was coming next. The doctor entered — she had three syringes filled with nerve blocker medication. She started the injections in my shoulder, moved to my neck and than in the back of my head. The process took about an hour or more. I laid on the bed and let the solutions go to the top of my head… I could feel my body go numb – cold liquid rising. I could feel my muscles twitching as the medication was doing its job. I laid there a bit longer before rising to discuss next steps. My doctor and I went over the last prescription for physical therapy. I will be starting physical therapy in the next week to build my muscles in my legs.. and eventually work on my back & neck. We discussed the 9 appeals that I have been fighting from the insurance companies and how to overcome it. We drafted a letter to the appeal department in hopes that my treatments will be covered by the insurance.
I am so exhausted to go through these types of appointments without having someone to support me. I wish there was someone that I could lean on, drive me there.. hold my hand while I am going through it. But it’s just me – every time. I am the only person that I can count on.. I am the only person that actually knows what it feels like – day in and day out.. to go through it.
Somehow, I’m just going to have to keep leaning on myself.