Sometimes I feel like you can relate to what is going on in my real (personal) life, because you follow my pages and stay up-to-date with my blog.. But in actuality; I am doing the same thing that everyone is — making my online presence seem absolutely perfect but posting content about happiness and success; how great that I am doing as I travel the world, getting VIP at music festivals, ride in helicopters.. yeah, it sounds like an amazing life, right?
Meh. Far from it – In reality, I am completely fucked…
Everyday, I am growing anger towards my lifestyle — this empire that took so long to create, to enjoy, to hold, to have… the balance of my happiness with the balance of all of my problems. This is what I consider fantasy vs reality.. we all suffer from this delusion that we want to live in this alternative reality with our social media channels.
We did this to ourselves; trying to be trend-setters or early-adopters to show off the latest / greatest thing. I get it, I am 100% guilty too. I am one of those people or influencers that has a large fan base. But the difference between what I do.. and what others will do – Is that I’ve formulated a path on social media with a universal language that is both – intimidating yet compassionate. I lead with excellence, not with fear… and that how I survive with the rest of society.
- I am constantly being watched; by everyone – they are ‘curious’ – they think that I am gorgeous or strong.. I know this will be my life forever; but sometimes it would be lovely to be invincible when I want to do something. I shouldnt have to hid myself in my beautiful villa in Bali to control my emotions of every else’s problems. When I am traveling, I have to adapt to other cultures; sometimes they don’t realize that they are hurting my feelings or causing an issue… but sometimes I think that they do – making me feel vulnerable.. touching me, trying to help me.. I embrace the attention but there are limitations when it is considered inappropriate. And these inappropriate manners happen more than they should; which is alarming. My ideal goal would be to turn these stares into my tribe… they can follow my adventures as I write & discuss.. and learn from my feelings and become a better person by it – more empathetic.
- I dont know if I want to do what I’ve always done – I’ve worked towards this incredible lifestyle but I am exhausted.. I am tired. The money & stress isn’t worth it.. I left USA .. and Corporate life to find a better balance. I feel like I am going right back into the sink hole with a few of my clients who are putting a rope around my neck and pulling the leash tight. There are boundaries in communication; what channels are appropriate to chat on – WhatsApp is my best form of contacting me.. as I dont use email. But pick a channel… pick one. Skype, Facebook, WhatsApp etc.. and I will come back to you and remind you that my form of communication is WhatsApp- I need a balance in between work & friends. I gave my other cell phone to my best friend Wavey who is traveling Europe.. he was stoked. And I thought by eliminating another cell phone, that I would eliminate the pressure of always being available. I want to call my parents in Eastern Time Zone (13 hours difference) and not feel like my clients are ‘watching me’ because my time stamp is on. I want to talk to my partner in Barcelona for hours without feeling like I have to spread myself thin with impatient client messages; don’t think for a second that I am vulnerable… you could never imagine the things that I had to handle on a daily basis in Detroit, MI. I have a mouth that runs 100MPH; a voice that is loud and squeaky.. but I also have power & determination / I will never let a friend, client, lover, family member – ever try to run me into the ground because they are getting heat from the top. That is exactly how it works; when something goes wrong > people immediately want to put the blame on someone else – even before discussing the issue and trying to resolve the problem.
- I see the “power of blaming” too many times in a work week… I look at 100’s of social media messages on the internet.. I am “BIG DATA” — consuming information for all of my clients and relaying a brand voice for them; a calm and collected message to be the best customer service. I wouldn’t even think twice to bother my clients with these small pity messages; it is best to handle them on my own and only communicate for positive impact.. which is what my clients need to work on. For every single / small problem that they have, try to find a way to work it out before jumping to conclusions that it all falls on social media.
- Social media is how we communicate – but it is important to separate what is real vs. who is being an asshole behind a keyboard because they are having a bad day. I have trolls for days.. and I mean it – for days, people are trying to push me down. But I also have the shining stars who are building me up// these are the people who are supposed to be in my life… that deserve to have a piece of my life.
Cheers to Girl Power
Today, I celebrated International Women’s Day – empowering beautiful ladies around the world who are constantly inspiring and pursuing their passions. I embrace the women in my life.. as we are the stepping stones for equality in future generations.
It hasn’t been easy running an online agency – social media – to be exact. Your profiles have to appear flawless, responses need to be timely and yet – still have balance to separate your work life with your business.
I do wonder if all of these “tests” are just to prove that I am still living.. that I have breathe in my lungs and heart & soul… just to see how I will react to each one.
But when it rains, it pours.
And pours for days…sometimes weeks until I can find a solution. I just want to wake up — and start crying.. I’ve never felt like this before. I look at my phone.. and see that it is something whom I don’t want to talk too– and when I look at their messages, my day is immediately ruined. I read dozens of books on managing the life that I dream of.. building a lifestyle that I can be proud of.. and here I am – going back and forth to make people happy.. when in reality; nothing is ever an emergency.
Clear Minded – Clear Headed
I stopped drinking when I left Colombia; going on a cleanse — which is 100% necessary after spending many nights dancing for 72 hours straight… with no sleep and running the agency in 4 days instead of 7 days. I gave alcohol up for Lent; which is apart of my religion as a Catholic – you can give up something that you want to grow from.. or you can do something good each day.. I already do things that make people smile on a daily basis so I decided that I should help myself.. but giving up drinking. I feel.. look.. and glow with happiness. It has been the best decision that I’ve ever done.. and Bali is the perfect place to be sober.
I have to knock off my check list — and get back to my core (again). My mind and body are telling me to figure it out — or do something different. Everyday I wake up, and I didn’t accomplish what I wanted the day before — because of issues with my agency, training my team, mistakes with projects, motivation / drive / passion — all of these things seem to be an issue.. causing a block in my creative path.. When really, I should be the opposite – especially after hosting an artist exhibit in Bali– my first international show.
1. Letting go of USA
– moving all of my things out of my apartment in Detroit, MI – a gorgeous apartment that I have let sit for months — costing me a fortune. I really love my home at the time.. and I know – the moment that I am back inside, I will fall in love with the skyline. All over again. But I cant be in Detroit for a long time anymore… I would love to be there (in a perfect world).. but I perform better when I am traveling the world (it makes me happy).
2. Letting go of clients / team members who are consuming too much time
— it is the education and delivery that is taking too long. If I have to explain to you why you need it – you need to go back to the drawing board and find a reason why you need me.
3. Destroy the trolls that come screaming on my social media channels.
I still havent figured this one out; but they seem to have a problem with me. I kill them with kindness.. every time. I posted a message in an Expat Community asking if anyone would be traveling to Bali from the USA. It was a detailed message on what I was looking for.. what I needed exactly- but people wrote the most ridiculous things… too risky, I had a bad experience blah blah.. If you cant say something nice, why say anything at all.
4. Getting fu&^%& on taxes (again) –
– so great to see how much of my money goes back to the USA government and I can’t get a simple handout for medical coverage or supplies on time. #Merica.
5. Most importantly – medical supplies.
. cannot get them over here.. the usual. Offered to pay out of pocket but my supplier will not release the supplies a week sooner because of insurance restrictions.. even though I pay the deductible and 80% of the total cost. My dad’s insurance covers the 20%
everything hapoens for a reason, but I can’t help to think that past continues to repeat itself
There;s a difference
I make room for you.. you don’t make room for me. I have to get my priorities straight or Ill go crazy.. I can feel it coming.
… I find peace in everything — in all of the f&^cked things that I have to see, on a daily basis.. I am still at peace.