Pain is beauty but how much pain does one need to sponge to be called beautiful? Isn’t beauty in the eye of the beholder? Is that why I wear a smile even when I feel so fake & sad? Do I constantly have to be that person who keep people motivated and happy?
Motivate All That You Can
It;s a hard job, ya know… to stay happy. Live tall and act like reality isnt real, just some movie that we are all apart of. Like some cheesy novel with spanish subtitles because no one understands what everyone is saying.
Why isnt life easy? Sometimes it feels like I’m giving everything & gaining nothing
Lately, life has really grasped me by the shoulders and just shake, shake, shake until nothing is left.. With the acceptance of graduate school (yay) and looking for an apartment, that I can afford in Detroit. Yah.. I had an anxiety attack while I went apartment searching.. everything that is in my range is downtown Detroit in rough areas. I realize if I want to make a difference for the city, I need to be in the heart of the city with all the citizens. I’m looking out for my safety and I just can’t see myself being downtown all alone.. I go one block from the school & all the houses are arsoned.. I go another block, and I have goons walking up to my car trying to holler at me.. Puhlease, I’m a Jackson chik… Rolled up my windows and kept driving, I wouldn’t swerve even if these goons walked in front of my car. Let;s just say, the apartment search was not successful.
Honestly, I don’t want to live on-campus, I need a private bathroom and my puppy CoCo needs her living space too. I can’t find a roommate who I trust because most of my friends are completely jaded to the hidden gems in the D. So this leads to my result, that I may not be able to attend graduate school, work a position and make a stable living on my own.
Twenty-Five Years Young Feeling Like I’m Forty-Five Years Old
I am barely surviving paycheck to paycheck right now, this lifestyle is getting old. I’m 25 years old and I’m making something out of nothing.
I have no idea what it feels like to cry, my emotions were shot when I was younger; having to control a disease with little to no relaxation. My skin is so thick, that a bullet wouldnt even make a mark. I have to walk, or hop, around like everything is fine.. Like, “way to go girl,” or my favorite yet “I’m glad You’re out, your awesome.” from my fans that randomly meet me at different places.. I guess, I didn’t realize I was any different until you just pointed it out to me.
I’m doing the best that I can and trying to keep up with all my responsibilities. It is SOOO hard to have a disease which is a 24/7 obligation and go to school while working to keep up with the bills… and I mean bills, thousands of dollars in medical. My insurance was wrongfully revoked by the DHS office in Mecosta County in December 2013 because I do not meet the requirements of a permanently disabled citizen. Lately, I’ve given these caseworkers a taste of my medicine, provided descriptive details of procedures, treatments, prescriptions (and their side effects) while providing copies of my empty bank accounts, my above full-time student status (I am swallowing 5 classes, hardest semester of my life) AND reaching out to government officials, advocates, doctors, all of it.. you name it. I’ve pissed on every official just to get them to roll over on their stomach. I have no choices left. Debt collectors call my phone 3-4xs a day.. I’m being harassed in mail.
I’m over it. Just going to keep moving along.. What are they going to do? Arrest me because I write a couple emails, letters and expose the truth about our corrupted society?
How can I make a living with student debt, medical debt and emotionally damage? Well here;s how.. I dont give a fuck attitude, exactly why I expect instant gratification. No, I will not wait 1-2weeks for a response, I want an answer by end of day or I’m contacting the next person above you. I gotta stand my ground.
One day, everything will be returned
I’m holding on for that breaking point. I have nightmares when Im dreaming because I am terrified that when I finally get my insurance back, it’s going to be too late. The debt is eating me alive, and my minimum wage job isn’t making wonders; it makes smiles and kinda pays the bills.
I am a talented individual, I make beautiful visuals in graphics & art. I know I can do something with this talent. Talent earned can never be taken away; that is why I write these words & express my thoughts. There is not a filter in this mind. It’s too late to stay classy when I have all this aggressive rage inside.. Do you think a therapist can help me? No thanks, I had to see enough of those when I was a kid going through foster care & intensive care units.
I will never go back to a life that I once had, its important to keep moving forward. I’m a city lover, dreamer and inspirer.. I will live off nothing, because I already am, and I will be happy because I’m surrounded by thousands/millions of people//
Music Festivals Saved Me
I love going to music festivals because everyone is so happy and we are all together united as one.. for the love of music & art. I carry a bag of paint and go wild on people’s bodies.. I love it, the best feeling in the world is to watch people enjoy my artistic ability. I love art… just can’t explain how I feel when I let everything out on a canvas… I made some beautiful pieces tonight.. It’s been a very stressful week & I just wanted to express everything.. even though I’m not saying everything that is really going on. I don’t want to worry everyone.. but I am just holding on a by string right now. If my job responsibilities were not truly amazing, I would have a hard time getting up everyday but I love what I do for a living.. I meet a lot of people & those people share the passion of music & art love.
Cross Your Fingers
That you will continue to see all the beautiful, motivated posts and not see a lot of these flip-side ones. I have to remain classy & beautiful because I don’t know any other lifestyle. It seems like its been forever since I actually sat down, and did nothing. I’m always on the go, traveling – driving, emailing, researching, or roaming around the city.. I need energy. I live off people’s energies.. I can’t explain the feeling but if there is a person who is motivated, happy and just grinding — I can tell that they have a great sense of energy. But when there’s a person who is angry, sad or aggressive, I can feel that negative energy too.. Sometimes, I just go .. silent.
I’m going to keep filling my time with what I know.. which is to move forward & plan for the worst. I expect the best but I will always be prepared for the ultimatum. #LifeHappens
I don’t care if you know me, or you think you know me.. Or maybe you haven’t met me, but you feel like you know me.. I will always keep a smile on my face, even when shit hits the fans.. That;s the beauty of being beautiful.. Holding it together, even when life is falling apart in front of your eyes.