I Don’t Have To Push Happiness All The Time

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I’ve neglected my blog for a month because I have a lot going on in my personal life. I realize that I can’t always push happiness in my writing when there are times that I feel like shit. So here it goes.. maybe my writing will help let out these emotions and feel better.

**Can you imagine getting your whole life in order in 30 days? I am handling a break up, packing up my entire life, putting finances in order and closed the office.**

Who am I, anymore?

I am not sure how I got to this point in my life… I am here, surviving the best that I am able to with the cards that I am delt. All of a sudden.. I wake up and I don’t know who this person is anymore. I look in the mirror and I don’t recognize her. My things are packed into boxes, my suitcases are ready to go and the longest relationship of my life has ended.

Keep trucking
I am an absolute emotional wreck… I go out 4 / 5 times a week because my home life is a mess. I want my mind to stay busy… stay busy so I don’t have to think about anything. I have my things packed into boxes at the condo with my ex-boyfriend; I can feel the tension & it’s absolutely heart breaking. We dated on & off for 6 years; which is my longest relationship. We had rough times but also amazing moments that I will always cherish – he was a great guy.

Time to fly, again

I am moving all of my things into a storage unit on Thursday before I leave the country. I am leaving for Colombia on March 1 for 30 days of digital nomad life <3 I am unpacking my things into my new Detroit apartment when I get back from my trip - I want to start fresh. Speaking of trips, I literally almost booked a flight just to get out of this rut that I am feeling. But with all the political bullshit; there are protests happening at all the airports which makes me nervous to fly. I'm freezing in Michigan 🙁 I love my city but it's cold and hard to get around. I was going to leave for Los Angeles for a weekend and just warm up.
I don’t know why I always feel like running away is the answer.. maybe because travel is easy for me and I have the money to go where ever I feel like. I could literally live out of my suitcases for the rest of my life. I come home because of my dog, CoCo – a mini pinscher chihuahua. I wish that she could travel with me but I’m nervous about her health in different countries.

I’m absolutely all over the place with my emotions… I am usually the type that can get things in order // aggressive but not too strong. It’s just a phase.. I can bounce back from it, everyone feels this way at one time in their life.

I’m starting to lose pieces of me. I’m getting to that age where I know what I want and know my worth. My friends are dropping like flies, literally. My circle went from all of these different groups in different places around the world to a very select amount of people that I trust now. And I only want to surround myself with people who have the same intentions as I-people who are ambitious, motivated, driven and won’t take advantage of me. Not asking for the stars here. I just want to find people who are interested in the same values and respect the same ethics.

Like… go away. Now

Lately, I have experiencing some unfortunate circumstances of friends who are taking advantage of my resources; home, car, money, friends and other things. It’s just annoying because they should know better.

I finally met a girlfriend, that I’ve known on the Internet for a few months, in person. We had a great first time meeting at the Detroit Institute of Arts. We spontaneously went to the casino with some friends and had a great time. But after our friendship started to unfold, I saw some things in her that I really didn’t like anymore. I would pick her up from her home, which is far from Detroit. I would allow her to stay with me and she would take a shower, eat my food, talk on her phone the entire time, so finally asked what are you doing here? I was trying to help her save money by allowing her to use these things. She allowed me to stay at her place when I couldn’t drive home so I thought I was returning the favor.

She wanted me to go on this trip out of state this weekend. I called her to make plans and she hung up on me. She said that her phone died at the end that she tried to call me for hours and hours and hours. No, I’m connected to my phone … it’s my job. I’m a social media strategist, I can’t be off the Internet ever. Even if I want to. And so I got upset because I didn’t have any idea what the plans were. I can’t just spontaneously jump in the car and go across the country without knowing when I’ll return. I told her I felt and she didn’t want to listen. I actually haven’t heard from her since so that just shows her true intentions. Not gonna stick my neck out if I don’t have people that will constantly back me up.

I’m a business… man.

It’s challenging to plan when you run your own business. I have a successful social media business where I must remain on the Internet to accommodate my clients. Well I have the Internet, will I be able to check my emails, are we going to be partying the whole time, these are questions that I need to know. And it sucks but that’s just the way it is.

This past Friday was absolutely challenging because one of my clients websites went down and another client of mine asked for this huge spreadsheet project to be do over the weekend. Hello, I have a weekend too? This is not in my contract of being available after hours without having compensation of overtime value. I was planning on either going on this road trip this weekend or packing The rest of my place for the movers to pick up.

I did get the website up and running successfully, it took five hours of Go Daddy support. I found all the back up files and purchase a ton of stock images to place those in there. I’m proud of myself for being able to help my client in their time of need and I will bill them for the time.

And I finish the spreadsheet project that my corporate client sent over to me at 6 PM on Friday. Sometimes I want to answer the emails that come in after 5 PM like “Happy Friday night, f&%%$< me LOL" Instant gratification -- that's what I am best known for. But I don't want to sound rude but yeah I want them to know that I do enjoy being social w my friends and not feeling chained to my email. I don't mind going the extra mile for certain clients but when I know that this isn't in my scope of work and it's their work. I have to be honest with them. I have to tell them, if I can invoice you for this special project-then I can't work on this. Because it's not my responsibility. I have other clients that I like Melissa whatever it takes to do it, send me the bill. And I'm not that expensive, I'm really not I'm actually kind of cheap for my experience.

Weekends are for MY BRAND

and scheduling LOL

Weekends are my time to go to techno parties, brunch, day drinking, or just sleeping. I don’t have a family, a husband, or those type the dependencies where I have to be home. I feel like I am responsible but yeah I want to have fun. I don’t feel bad for wanting to separate my personal life with my social media at work life. And sometimes there is that gray area because people that I work with are also on my personal social networks so they see a lot of things that I would consider personal. But since I’m putting it out there on the Internet, it becomes public now.

My fear is that I’m going to hate my career one day. I don’t want to feel like that but the way that it’s going, I might have to transition into only consulting for this year and then not anymore. I want to get back into the art world – it’s sophisticated and classy.

I have an art room in the condo. Are used to have an art gallery in Detroit. I love painting, more than anything in the world. And I’m really good at it. So my hopes and dreams are to have an of money so that I can just pay all next year and not worry about anything.

Well it’s about 4 AM here. I think that the best creative times come out in the middle of the night when your mind is just racing. I feel like my best writing is when I’m about to go to sleep and I over analyze everything that I did that day. Tomorrow will be a good one, I have a couple meetings in the afternoon. Nothing too serious.

It was a good week for me because I had three referrals come in for social media strategy and online marketing. And I whipped out those proposals over this weekend. So tomorrow, clients will be getting back to me with their negotiations. I’m a little hustler. I know. That’s why my business is successful and I’m constantly growing. But I’m also smart where I don’t want to be taken advantage of.

I am falling in love with certain brands that I recently started to work with and I’m falling out of love with other brands. I want to continue positioning myself to only work for brands that I truly care for and emotionally connected. There’s nothing wrong with saying no to people. And I actually gonna start doing it more often.

I think that my recent change of heart is making me a different woman altogether. I haven’t been single in six years and now I’m this powerhouse diva that is just running the show. I have more time to expand my business and focus on myself and get back to the real me again. And I don’t want to feel that I am working with people that don’t understand this type of commitment. We all have the same amount of time in the day. We all get 24 hours and I use them wisely. Good night. xx

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