Why I haven’t blogged in a very long time since tonight..well:
Where have I been?
What am I doing?
Why did I drop off the edge of the world?
You’re so consistent with posting daily, so what gives?
There’s really no explanation on why I haven’t blogged in a really, really long time — I’m just going through phases — like everyone does in life. “You have to go to that place to get to this one” — Eminem.
I lost exactly 50% of website traffic because I haven’t blogged in a few weeks – and that scares me.
I’m just trying to wake up every single day with a healthy body and a mission to get the most of out my day / life – do something with purpose. I’m just disappointed with where my life is at right now. I feel like a lot of people get into this rut where they want to be more than they are.. and I can see myself excel 100’xs’ beyond what I am doing right.. but what am I seriously waiting for?
I’ve been away thinking about organizing my life.. thinking about “what’s next” – I want to volunteer with the community more by cleaning up the city on the weekends. I want to volunteer to teach art classes for free in local Detroit schools because they are losing art programs. Art is important — it is basically how I taught myself discipline and creativity.
On a real quick side note –
This side note basically motivated me to write tonight and get back on track with my priorities. My niece opened my eyes a bit over the holiday by — first being shocked at how old I am haha.. When I told her that I was 27 years old, she didnt believe it in the beginning. I just look younger for my age – is all. I have great skin, we’d say. But anyways’ back to my point about my eye opening experience.. She says that I am the only 27 year old that she knows that isn’t pregnant, engaged or married. I really didn’t have a solid reason on why — I’m too ambitious, too much responsibilities — “TOO BUSY” basically to have time for all that.. It is great to hear that I’m a role model for them.. sometimes I think I do all of this — just to make them look forward to life when they get older.
—Life isn’t supposed to be easy.
I’m just going through issues.. which I shouldnt even get upset about. I don’t have a bad attitude just really quick at speaking before thinking. Some people actually appreciate that about me, I let them know how it is, how it goes and how I feel. If you can’t handle my strong personality; take your butt back to the bus stop because this station doesn’t have time for it. Sometimes I offend people, hurt their feelings and just overall sound like a total bitch. People just rub me the wrong way sometimes.. it tails off my past of insecurities. I don’t mean to sound like a total bitch, brat, c*nt– yah’ I’ve heard it all this month… I just cant stand wasting time. I’m an intuitive person – I see how things unfold before they happen. I’ve got places to be and things to do. But I can also use my attitude for power — I have so many ideas, it just flows out of my head.
I literally live every second in the moment – my life is a sand dial.. it just has a time frame of when I want to accomplish everything. I set these goals when I was 19 years old. Heck — I even set “semester” goals during University. I had a huge white board where I wrote all of the things that I wanted to accomplish, study abroad, get into art school, graduate with 3.0GPA, design a portfolio for Grad school and so on.. and guess what? I knocked out every single goal.. and why? Because I’m a person who follows through.. if I tell myself I can make it- I will make it. With every breath that I have left, I will do something with this life. I have meaning & purpose .. it is my active duty to give this same positive momentum to other people who can also be inspired. What are my goals right now? Well.. that’s another blog post to save for upcoming NYE on Dec 31. So check back for that — it will be a good one. I always go out with a bang and I always bring in the NYE with fame. You like what I just did there?
You have an endless amount of opportunities to “do right” –
I literally fell in love with the city of Detroit when I became emotionally and physically connected to what is happening here. I put my heart on the line defending, building and growing my community. I invest my time, efforts and money with my art studio in downtown Detroit this year. Although I left in October, sad– sad.. I really wish it didn’t have to end but another opportunity will come at the right time.
I could spend the entire day just looking up at the city lights, empty buildings, steam coming from the streets.. it is such a beautiful, perfect moment. How do I explain these feelings? When you finally find a purpose in your life – to be apart of something that is bigger than you. Be apart of something that others are so passionate about too. I know what is running through your mind (because I get it all the time). Why Detroit? Why do you want to stay in a place where there’s no money, politics are corrupted, people are brutally murdered… blah blah blah. I do not live in fear. I will not be afraid of my surroundings. You can’t live in fear you’re whole life.. you have to take risks. That is what separates the wolves from the sheep. And you already know I’m the pack leader – set in stone.
I will be moving downtown Detroit this upcoming year. It is time to be where I should be. My heart skips a beat when I am downtown Detroit – the energy, movement, people, passion — opportunity. There is so much to do; I am blown away by the amount of activities that I can fall into. The groups that I can join, volunteer opportunity – truly build something that affects a lot of people.
My support system.
My friends call me their ring leader.. I bring the crew together. I pull the best of everyone.. all of their passions — it is truly beautiful. We can literally just kick it on our computers and do what we love for hours and hours. My friends who are extremely passionate about making music, will produce on their equipment. My friends who are creative, will open design programs to start editing photos and graphics. The list goes on of stories featuring the different personalities that I draw myself too. You are who you surround yourself with.. I only surround myself with hustles.
I put my entire soul into everything that I do.. I’m passionate, I put it all on the line just to lose everything. I will lose it all just to gain a little. I’ve been in the system, Ive been in trouble with the law, I’ve been in rehab for drugs, I’ve laid on the hospital bed where my body is bleeding out — I’ve been — I’ve been.. but haven’t we all been places? I just want you to know that my life is not all sunshine and roses. Everyday is a challenge, a fire and sometimes nightmares. Lately, the nightmares – the night sweats — long nights – staying up wondering if I’m going to have my health insurance, my prescriptions, my family. I make it look like I am doing the craziest shit with the biggest smile on my face – because we all need a role model. We all need someone, I can be that person for you. You can change your life. = believe in yourself. I am literally drowning in issues – more than the average person. But these obstacles make me the person that I am today — they call me bosslady 😉 As they should because I run it.. every problem that comes in, I handle it – I document, call, email, bitch, complain, kick – until I get what I need to be healthy.
Why am I like this?
I came from Jackson, Michigan — yes, prison city we call it. It is a historical city featuring a lot of random things– the Republican party birthplace — very interesting huh? If you want to learn about the history of our famous prison, here is your resource because that’s a whole other story. I have insecurities — my mom didn’t want me, my dad was a dead beat… they are nothing to me anymore. I use to want to know who they are but I just cant open that door to that part of my life. I was raised well by my adopted parents and I love them with all my heart. I wouldn’t be this strong, loud, outgoing person if I didn’t have the right upbringing. I just have trust issues because I was in the system — it took a very long time to get officially adopted. I was battling health issues – trying to stay alive and do what I do.
If you dont like what you’re doing – make the change
Maybe you didn’t know – I’ve lived in 5 zip codes in 6 years — because I got out. I got out of Jackson at a very young age. Yes, like escaping prison basically – nothing was happening in that city that I could utilize. I came from low income, no opportunity in the city, no growth for business, nothing going on — my mindset was to get out of here. I’m not dissing on Jackson – but this place cannot handle my BIG CITY LIFE dreams and what I want to do with my life. It’s not that I’m not happy with my upbringing because I do believe that everything happens for a reason. I was going crazy in high school growing up in Jackson -I literally had to get on pills and go to therapy. I was itching to make moves.. I can remember being 13 years designing graduation cards for my classmates.. hustler at a young age.. It is in you.. This passion, fire is in you. You have to bring it out of you.
I’m still trying to figure myself out.. I’m living in this beautiful home in Metro Detroit but I am crying to get downtown. I’m so ready.. I’m so “ALL ABOUT WANTING more.” I probably sound like a total bitch because Im never “happy” — but that’s not it, I’m not settling on anything (life, love, career, happiness, dreams). I stand up and face what I want to do, what I want to be in life. My dreams, goals are insane — I’ve been crushing it. I’ve been through the ringer – I’m still going through it. I want to help people — be someone that they can say — she can do it, I can do it too. I defeat the odds.. I prove people wrong. I’m battling a health issue and still growing a name for myself as a social media influencer. People dream about that — people pay a lot of money for that status. And little missydi is doing it.. just doing me.
What else is going on? The system failed me
I’m the 1% – literally I got a nice letter in the mail from the Healthcare system that my case is so special that I cannot get assistance with health insurance. I do not fit within the guidelines of my age and specialists. I’ve been paying out of pocket medical bills, going through appeal processes, fighting for $300 prescription drugs for many months. You want to talk about stress? Stress — is not knowing who is going to be there for you. Stress is waking up every single day knowing that you are sick and there’s not a damn thing you can do about it. There is no cure for my disease and I have to follow the leader to deal with the consequences.
The government fails me — every single time I need help. The resources are so shitty in Michigan – they mine as well not exist. Why do they exist actually? If I spend 10 days gathering 25 plus documents of medical records, written doctor letterheads and such — to get a short paragraph from the government that you are once again DENIED. Damn, fu** the government. I need GOOD health insurance — I need health insurance that covers things – prescriptions, appointments, procedures and so on. I’m doing alright — I have 9 appeals in and one came back denied while another was approved. I just have to stay on top of it.. the time is so long. I’m literally on the phone for hours with these people and they hate their jobs – they don’t care.. I’m sure people yell at them all the time. I’m just trying to get it all figured out – I don’t have anyone who can help me.. the resources, like I said – suck in Michigan for disabled people. I dont have an advocate but I’m pretty sure I’m making an impression because I’m sending a lot of paperwork. I send so much paperwork that I visit OfficeMax & the USPS once a week to send out these huge papers.. I mean I don’t even get the verbiage they are sending – it’s just a big fuck you paper document from the government. lol You gotta laugh to keep from crying. ;0)
I’ll be that person that you can count on
It might seem like I’m high sprung – there’s a lot going on.. but I’m just dealing with life. I know that my lifestyle will always be this chaotic — I will always have some insane “thing” happening every week that affects my life directly. You can still count on me to be there for you === no matter what it is!! I’ve been dealing with drama my entire life — I let it bounce right off of me. So don’t feel like my health and personal issues will ever come between what I do.. I just do me. And deal with the consequences later.
So if you are wondering where I’ve been
I’ve been thinking. I’ve been worried, stressed, tripping balls basically. Who can I talk too? I know that everything will be okay – it always done. This is something lesson that I need to learn from.. there will be some connection or obstacle faced… I ran away last week.. I ran to the city of Detroit – parked up in a lot in Corktown and just watched the lights for hours. I was not in a good mindset, I was being dangerous to myself and other people. I don’t even remember how I got home because I was so out of it.
But–I know I’ve been bouncing all over the place
I’ve been writing for over an hour but I feel like I haven’t even gotten to what I really want to say.. don’t you hate when that happens? My mind moves faster than what I can keep up with. Thankfully, I type quickly. 😉
Hopefully some of this makes sense.. and I know it’s a terribly long post – so I’ll end it now and come back tomorrow. I will be back, I promise. I fell down.. and I’m getting right back up. The spark has been ignited. She’s back.